How to practice self-compassion: techniques and tips

Have you ever lost your temper with… yourself? Blamed and then beat yourself up a little inside for doing something you regret?

Maybe you were harsh on someone only to be much harsher on yourself later?

It's easy to be hard on ourselves—we tend to do it much, much more than we realize. But what if there is a better way? When we forgive ourselves, accept our perceived flaws, and show ourselves kindness, we practice self-compassion. It is often much harder than it sounds, but with the right techniques we can learn to make it a habit.

If you ever find yourself judging or criticizing yourself for no justifiable reason, some of these techniques can be valuable. Some may not be your cup of tea, but others may resonate and come in handy when you least expect it. Read on to learn how to practice self-compassion with tips and exercises, then tell us – what works for you?

Before you continue, we thought you might want to download our three Self-Compassion Exercises for free. These detailed, science-based exercises will not only help you increase the self-compassion and kindness you show yourself, but also give you the tools to help your clients, students, or staff show more self-compassion.

This article contains:

• How to have and show self-compassion
• How can we best practice self-compassion?
• 8 tips and techniques for practicing self-compassion
• Kirstin Neff's Step-by-Step Guide to Self-Compassion
• 13+ useful resources
• 4 books
• What are self-compassion affirmations and are they valid?
• 11 Self-compassion affirmations to practice
• How mindfulness scripts help practice self-compassion
• Are there proven benefits to writing a sympathy letter?
• 3 Samples of self-pity letters
• 13 Journal prompts
• A message home
• Reference

How to have and show self-compassion

Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have toward ourselves, and it is also an empirically measurable construct. Operationally defined and introduced to the literature of positive psychology by associate professor Dr. Kristin Neff, consists of three separate constructs: Self-Compassion, Common Humanity, and Mindfulness (Neff, 2003a; 2003b).

Having self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that forgives, accepts and loves when the situation may not be optimal. We know it's similar to (but less permanent than) self-love and different from self-esteem, but how do we show compassion?

Self-kindness

Self-kindness is about showing kindness and understanding to ourselves when things go wrong or when we are hurt (Neff, 2003a). Rather than being critical or harshly judgmental when we are already in pain, we can recognize the negative influence of self-evaluation and instead treat ourselves warmly and patiently (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

In short, showing self-kindness means seeing our worth as unconditional, even when we fall short of our own expectations, whether it's in our behavior or even just our thoughts (Barnard & Curry, 2011).

Some examples, adapted from the Self-Compassion Scale (SCS), include (Neff, 2003b: 231):

• Give yourself the tenderness and care you need when you are going through a difficult time;
• Seek to understand and show patience with your own perceived personality flaws; and
• Be tolerant of your own shortcomings.

Common humanity

"Being part of something bigger" is a pervasive concept in the positive psychology literature, and the need for connection has long been argued to be part of human nature (Maslow, 1943). Having a common humanity means viewing our own individual experiences as embedded in the larger human experience, rather than seeing ourselves as isolated or separate from others (Neff, 2003a).

Part of this is accepting and forgiving our faults – we are not perfect, but we show self-compassion when we admit that we have limitations (Brown, 2010). Another part of common humanity is realizing that we are not alone in being imperfect or feeling hurt; rather than withdrawing or isolating ourselves, we appreciate that others sometimes feel the same way (Gilbert & Irons, 2005).

According to the SCS, more specific behaviors would include (Neff, 2003b: 231):

• See your flaws as natural aspects of the human condition;
• View your difficulties as "a part of life that everyone goes through"; and
• Reminding yourself that others feel inadequate sometimes when you feel the same way.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is seen in self-compassion theory as the opposite of avoidance or overidentification—it means acknowledging and labeling one's thoughts versus reacting to them (Kabat-Zinn, 2003; Neff, 2010).

When we have self-compassion, we are aware of our own hurtful thoughts and emotions without blowing their meaning through rumination. Instead, we adopt a positive balance between this over-identification at one extreme and complete avoidance of painful emotions and experiences at the other (Neff, 2003a).

Sample SCS items for mindfulness translate into the following behaviors (Neff, 2003b: 232):

• The goal is to keep our feelings balanced when we experience something unsettling;
• Keeping perspective when we fail at things that are important to us; and
• We accept our emotions with curiosity and openness when we feel sadness.

Thus, while the SCS measures self-compassion as a trait, it can also be viewed as a “balance” or “middle ground” of emotional response (Neff, 2015).

Read more about mindful self-compassion here.

How Can We Best Practice Self-Compassion?

It is therefore about maintaining (or striving for) a happy medium between three theoretical spectrums (Barnard & Curry, 2011):

From self-kindness to self-judgment;

From Common Humanity to Isolation; and

Between avoidance and over-identification – with mindfulness as a happy medium.

There are also some key themes that you may already be familiar with: empathy, kindness, forgiveness, care, tenderness, and various synonyms for acceptance and non-judgment. But because much of our mental activity is ingrained or instinctive, it may take some conscious effort at first to begin practicing self-compassion.

How to begin

Dr. herself Kristin Neff notes that because of our habitual responses to hurt and negative emotions, the beginning can often be a drastic change in perspective (Neff, 2019). And since we are actually trying to adopt new approaches rather than create positive emotions, it takes practice:

Self-compassion is the practice of good will, not good feelings... With self-compassion, we consciously accept that the moment is painful and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

(Neff, 2019)

With that in mind, we'll discuss some techniques and tips for practicing this goodwill before sharing some resources, affirmations, and approaches to help you along the way.

8 tips and techniques for practicing self-compassion

There are plenty of specific exercises available online to help you practice self-compassion in a way that works for you. We'll cover some of these in more depth in our Resources section, but most follow the same general approach.

Treat yourself as you would a friend

One good place to start is to think about how you would treat others you care about. So while we can't always take away the pain of others, we can acknowledge its existence and provide support to help them overcome it and grow. In this respect:

Allow yourself to make mistakes. Self-kindness and common humanity intersect with two separate but related ideas: “We are human. But for a) everyone else, and for b) that's okay." Instead of interpreting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as who we are, we can get caught off guard when we can do the same for others. If a friend is lazy and doesn't respond to your phone call, you probably won't immediately assume he's a bad person.Giving yourself permission to be human once in a while is one way to embrace your flaws and remind yourself that you're not alone in being imperfect (Abrams, 2017).

Treat yourself as you would treat others. It is closely related to the previous tip, it is about understanding and empathy towards yourself. If a friend is feeling down, hurt, or upset, you can physically pat them on the back or hold their hand. Neff describes these as ways to tap into our own “nursing system” to release oxytocin, which has beneficial cardiovascular effects (Hamilton, 2010). Along with gentle, indulgent language (even using terms of endearment like "darling" or "darling"), these gestures can lead us to feel kindness, even if we're initially reluctant. Try not to overdo the cute expressions if it feels too weird, of course!

Become more confident

Other techniques are about being more self-aware and connecting to our own speech. Compared to "beating yourself up for beating yourself up," becoming aware of our inner stories is a positive starting point for changing our self-talk.

Use the "Release Statement". Maybe you've never been a big fan of positive affirmations. Maybe they don't feel natural, or you think they don't quite "reach" your inner critic on a subconscious level (Wood et al., 2009). If that's the case, you can try what's colloquially called "declaration release." These are closely related (if not equivalent) to mini-exercises in self-forgiveness and use the concept of detached non-judgmental mindfulness. When you find yourself thinking a negative thought like "I'm such a terrible person I get angry" try turning it around and 'freeing' yourself from the feeling. Try "It's okay that I felt angry" instead.

Try self-acceptance. This means accepting your own perceived flaws as well as your character strengths (Morgado et al., 2014). Self-compassion is about not letting these flaws define who we are—thoughts and feelings are more like behaviors and states (Neff, 2010).

Practice mindfulness. Harvard Healthbeat (2019) suggests that mindfulness practices are a good way to focus on the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of the core constructs of self-compassion, but many exercises like yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere. Kirstin Neff also recommends guided caregiving meditations, including body scans and short 'Self-Compassion Breaks'.

Try not to judge yourself too quickly. Another tip from DiPirro is to stop assuming you're going to behave a certain way. It's easy to assume things like "I'm really grumpy and antisocial on a flight," which sometimes precludes you from behaving differently. Again, it's about treating yourself like you treat others, and it's just a forward-looking way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

(Re)Gaining perspective

From there, we can also move away to remind ourselves again that we are connected to others. That we are part of a much bigger picture—common humanity—and adjust our focus accordingly. Here are some examples of tips:

Get rid of the need for external verification. Dani DiPirro, author of Stay Positive, The Positively Present Guide to Life, suggests that much of our negative thinking comes from how others perceive us. For example, if we beat ourselves up for eating something, much of this self-directed anger comes from societal pressures, such as the pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain weight. Deciding not to tie your happiness to external influences can thus be an act of self-kindness with a far greater ripple effect (Neff, 2011). If you find this idea interesting, there is more in this article on self-sufficiency.

Addressing others. This may sound like the opposite of the above, but really this technique is more about putting your feelings into context. When we talk to others, we realize that we are not alone in feeling pain at different times. It's an important part of reaffirming our sense of connectedness, reframing our perceived problems within the "bigger picture" and building social support networks that are invaluable for well-being.

So what does Dr. Kirstin Neff herself have to say about self-compassion? b